My Body Burns In Ashes
by Soulem
Summary: Jensen goes through hell and back to be with his 'family'. Rated for safety. C/J slash present. Previously called Broken.


This muse descended upon me when I was playing Chrono Trigger (I'm not really sure how it happened exactly though...)

Warnings: Switching back and forth between POV's a lot.

Rated for language and one slightly graphic scene.

Cougar/Jensen is present and established in this fic. Also, I don't remember Jensen's sisters name, And I'm lazy and not looking it up :D

~Start~

Cougar paced tight circles around the tiny make-shift bed. He glanced up every few seconds to check the heart monitor. The unusual silence was killing him.

"Damn it," he breathed softly "Mi amor, vuelve a mí"

Clay watched his team continue to be in shambles, technically the mission had been a success. They had gotten the 'bad guy' and had escaped with everyone mostly intact, and generally they would be pleased with that.

The truth though, was Cougar was going through a state of mental melt-down and was probably forming very violent ways to kill whom ever (possibly god) if their tech-support was not all right, the only thing stopping him from committing said violent acts at the moment was his lover's still form. _Fuck DADT, they weren't in the army anymore _Clay thought as he continued to observe. Pooch was muttering on the phone to Jolene for a while and sounded just as worried as Cougar looked. Aisha looked ready to go to sleep yet she stayed in the room sharpening her knives, every once in awhile though, she would make food or send them to bed.

_God, has it already been that long?_ The mission had gone down four days ago. It had started out fine, and the only one to be injured was Jensen, Cougar had brought him, passed out and bleeding to Pooch with only the words "Drive, now." Then he had begun the necessary stitching up of the most serious apparent injuries

Clay walked outside to have a cigarette, it was bad for his health but fuck who-ever. He needed it. as he took a drag he thought. _If Roque had been a more loyal bastard would Jensen be dying still?_

When he came back inside Cougar was settled in the chair Clay had been residing in earlier, looking no less worried.

Clay had to strain to hear the mutterings the Spaniard was whispering, prayers similar to the ones after Bolivia. Jensen had better come out all right. Without him Cougar was going to go mad, hell they all would.

* * *

><p>Jensen thought he must be dead, there was no other way he could describe what was happening to him, it must not be real. Everywhere he looked there was a shadowy darkness, yet it wasn't dark. It was light, with shadows everywhere. Every once in a while he would catch glimpses of memories that had happened throughout his life, some pleasant. Cougar taking him on their first date. Some less pleasant, his father beating him until he couldn't walk. Mostly they were of the team and Cougar though.<p>

He wandered the seemingly endless light-darkness until he came to a wooden door suspended in the air.

"Well, this is new. Wonder what would happen if I tap it..."

The 'earth' shook sending him off balance and the door slowly creaked open and a scene appeared, his mother showing him and his sister how to make the best chocolate chip cookies. Jensen looked on in amusement and then horror, he remembered that day, why was he being shown that day. Jensen frantically tried to make the door close, anything to make that scene not haunt him in death as well as life. The door wouldn't budge though, and the scene continued it's course. Laughing his sister took the last bit of leftover dough and sneakily ate it behind his mother's back.

"I saw that little munchkin, come here you" his mother turned and tickled Bethany until she cried out for her to stop, which was quite soon.

Jake had only laughed at his sister's expense, she had kind of deserved the 'harsh' torture anyways. Bantering back and forth they enjoyed the serene happiness of being in each other's company.

Loud banging echoed through the house announced his fathers arrival.

"Grace! where are you!"

After a pause their mother whispered "... All right darlings, mommy will finish here and clean up, you just go to your room all right?"

She forced a sweet smile towards her children, beckoning them to go.

Jensen could only watch from afar as younger him and Beth scrambled up the stairs to their room, closing the door just as their drunken father began a yelling match with their mother.

"Beth we should help mom, she deserves at least some of our assistance," he had argued with his older sister.

"No Jake, we can't. You don't remember but there is a good reason we're always up here when dad gets home, now **shhh**, otherwise he'll hear us!"

"Beth! Mom is dying by that bastards hands, everyday it just gets worse. She's always so happy until he gets home."

Older Jake only sighed and shook his head at how naive he had been. Beth was right, there was a **very** good reason they were always upstairs. Then again, he supposed, it really was only a matter of time. If he had actually listened to his sister and mother perhaps it would be different, that, or if only his father hadn't been such a bastard.  
>He watched sadly as a ten year old him evaded his sister and snuck down the worn stairs of his childhood home. The steps creaking with every bravely stupid step he took.<p>

"Jake! Get back up here!" His sister whispered angrily, half crawling out herself.

But he had only walked onwards, rushing slightly when he could hear metal hitting flesh and his mother crying out in pain. Jensen shook his head again from the grey space, what was the point of showing him this again he wondered, it wasn't not like he was going to be less traumatized when it happened. Looking back to the scene in the door he watched as the person who made it possible for him to be born beat his mother until she passed out and then some, kicking her still form again and again. Small Jake must made a small noise though, causing his father to become aware of his presence. The hateful glimmer in those glazed eyes slowly taking in the child crouching half-hidden behind the wall before smiling. A cold, cruel, disgusting smile.

"Hey boy, come on over," slimy lips laughed, "I won't hurtcha, just commere."

Jake had tentatively walked forward, not sure how his father would react in his drunken state. As soon as he was within arms reach a blow landed in his torso. Doubling over from the unexpected pain Jake cried out. His father laughed and hit him again, this time with more force. Again and again, until Jake begged. From where he laid he saw his sister crying from the top of the stairs.

Jensen looked away from the sight and briskly walked away, he didn't need to see the rest of this picture, it had been the first of the many beatings and the last time he had seen his mother alive.

* * *

><p>Cougar slept with his head beside Jensens still form. He was awoken when his lovers body spasmed for a few moments, and then spasmed again shortly after. The movement brought hope to the snipers eyes, Jake hadn't moved since he had faded out of consciousness five days ago.<p>

"Jake, donde tú eres mi amor?" He whispered to the once again still hacker.

When the blonde didn't move again Cougar just watched him, that's when he noticed the tears slowly coming from Jensen's eyes. He could only whisper helpless encouragement to the otherwise unresponsive body.

"Quiero ver tus ojos azules más hermosos"

A lone teardrop escaped Cougars mocha brown eyes, without moving to wipe it away he nuzzled Jensens neck.

"Come back Jake, come back to me."

* * *

><p>Jensen sat on what he assumed was the ground, trying to access his Ipod from the many pockets of his cargo pants. The ordeal of watching possibly the worst moment of his life weighed on him. Noticing that his Ipod was effectively useless he began to think about other things. His first thought was of Cougar. <em>This is probably freaking the shit out of him. I wonder how long I've even been in here... Oh wait, I'm dead. time shouldn't matter in here, wherever <strong>this<strong>, is. Unless... Maybe I'm not actually dead yet. God dammit, I wish my Ipod worked in here, I need some good music to help keep my thoughts focused. ... ... ...Hmmm._ _Maybe I have to go through that door to get out of here, I don't want to though. But I miss everyone. Damn death... _

_"_You hear that? I don't want to be dead. Assholes."

Trudging slowly he re-approached the suspended door, only now it was metal, not wood. _Weird._

This time when he knocked, nothing shook and the door opened smoothly, without sound.

He had to squint to see what was going on but after a few seconds he recognized it. Relatively peaceful as far as his memories went. Without another thought he walked through the space. The screaming and sobbing stopped abruptly as the door closed behind him.

* * *

><p>Pooch was on watch when it happened. He had called Cougar when Jensen started to twitch uncontrollably but neither had known what to do. Clay and Aisha came a short while later but they were all confused. For the past week Jensen had been on the brink of death, and then suddenly he was rapidly improving and once had began to come back into consciousness, telling them that it was too dark. Everyone but Aisha twitched nervously waiting for the tech to finally wake up and tell them what the hell was going on, she was tired of all the waiting. Max wasn't getting any closer.<p>

"Just wake up, stupid talkative hacker who has too much time on his hands and ADD," her small, short rant caused her to receive a glare from Cougar.

The next few days were spent in shifts, everyone (except Aisha) watching their blonde friend. Cougar taking it the most often, and never leaving the room.

"... Cougar." Clay tiredly looked at his long range specialist

"Si boss."

"Get some sleep and some food in you, or at the very least food." Cougar didn't move. "... Get to it, now." He had used the tone he got to use as commanding officer and Cougar stared grudgingly, got up and just stood there.

"Now Cougar."

The sniper left reluctantly after that, the glare Clay was giving him helped. .He was back within minutes after he had the nutrition he had been lacking in the days since Jensen started to improve.

"I sleep here."

Clay couldn't argue with that, so he left him be.

Soon after Cougar managed to drift off to sleep Jensen snapped open his eye's only to quickly close them again.

"Mmm, Cougar Could you dim the lights, it's too bright in here." he softly requested from the make-shift bed. Clay passed their room and watched with a tiny shred of amusement when the sniper was instantly awake and attending to him.

"Thanks, made my day." With that he had drifted off to sleep again not caring who had actually turned off the lights.

* * *

><p>Jensen sincerely hoped being back in life would be worth the pain his body, if that's even what it was, had to go through. He had flown through what had looked like the exit at the time. Only to be blinded by a rather bright flash. He was back in the grey space in front of a different door. Jensen looked at the new door, this one made of bamboo.<p>

"Ready Jensen? No? Perfect, let's go then. there's probably only a billion of these things." Steeling himself Jensen walked through the open door way.

He was not prepared for the sound of Cougar screaming at him through his comm link.

As he turned his gaze towards his body, Jensen realized why Cougar had been freaking out. There was a rather large piece of glass protruding from his chest and blood was spurting everywhere. Add to that was the fact that he was bleeding from a bullet wound in his leg.

"...Mm'okay Cougs. Clay and the others first" His battered self managed to slur out.

Gun shots sounded from everywhere, it was deafening yet strangely dampened at the same time. As Jensen watched he took in his team mates. They really were like his family, Clay being his father figure and Pooch being one of his mischievous brothers. It had hurt him a lot when Roque betrayed them, though he wouldn't admit it. Cougar made him feel whole and Jensen didn't know what he would have done if any of them disappeared from his life._ I really am starting to miss them. Eve Aisha is starting to appear friendly. I need to get back. Okay... Breathe through the pain. I can get through this. They're probably lacking from sleep right now. I can see Cougar dying of malnutrition, stress_ and worry._ Pooch probably hasn't stopped talking to Jolene and I imagine Clay has picked up his smoking habit._ Jensen laughed to himself at that last thought, the Colonel had only stopped because Roque hadn't stopped bitching about his breath.

With new determination Jensen worked harder at getting back into life. His only thought was, _How many of these damn doors are there?_

* * *

><p>Jensen's body had begun a rapid decline after he had regained consciousness for those few precious seconds. Cougar would not be pried away from the eerily silent hacker and honestly the team had stopped trying to move him. Pooch had managed to make sure Cougar was getting enough to eat, watching him take every bit of nutrition in. The sniper had refused to leave the bedroom, therefor had stopped eating. They hadn't noticed because he was always up there anyways, that is until he passed out in his chair. Clay began grinding vitamin pills into his food since he was having trouble eating very much of it because of the worry.<p>

"Boss."

Clay looked up from where he was resting on a couch. Cougar had barely uttered a word since the day Jensen had spoken.

"What is it?"

"Jensen is stirring."

Getting up, Clay wondered if it was going to rebound again. Maybe after this he would take them all on a trip somewhere. Probably Disney Land or someplace that Jensen would enjoy. Clay had the utmost faith in their tech, he was going to make it. He had to. Clay ignored how the thought sounded more desperate than sure.

Aisha watched as Jensen fluttered his eyes. Opening them. Closing them quickly. Opening them again. Closing them faster this time. When she noticed Cougar approaching she quietly requested that he turn the lights down a bit.

"He seems to be doing better, his pulse is stronger and breathing is more regular." She told them as she walked out of the room. She needed to sleep. _Should not need to help this team. So why am I? They are weakness._

Grunting Cougar sat and watched Clay check Jensen over. After a while Clay looked at the silent shadow.

"Nothing we can do until he wakes up. Sorry soldier," Clay hated the way Cougar's eyes dimmed at the news, but he couldn't lie to him. Jensen was still unconscious and they didn't even know what was wrong with him.

~Line Break~

"So... Are you gonna let me out now? I've gone through so many of these crazy ass doors that I've run out of jokes to play in my mind. Can you believe that? Me, running out of jokes. The world has official permission to end now." Jensen looked at what appeared to be the last figure standing in his way to life. Actually the only figure that appeared to even see him.

The whole situation was getting on his nerves. Was getting back into life supposed to be like this? There was this weird feeling in his gut that told him this figure was probably crazy, possibly comparable to Clay's girlfriends. In fact it shared a mild resemblance to that one who tried to kill Clay via plastic fork. He was feeling a lot better though, way less depressed and like he was never going to see his family again now that the end was in sight.

"This is the final test, if you do not succeed you will die, but if you make it through you will have another chance at life. You may proceed whenever you wish." The voice was muffled sounding, as if they were very far away yet right beside you a the same time. Jensen nodded, one more hellish fight and he would be home-free, maybe the Colonel would take him to an amusement park or something to celebrate his return.

Turning serious, he set his jaw and started towards the door, softly muttering spanish prayers he'd learned from Cougar all the while.

* * *

><p>At first all he saw was darkness, slowly shapes came into view, very slowly. Loud sounds grated against his ears.<p>

"sen... Jensen."

He thought about that name, it was his. Well, his last name. Silently he wondered at who would be franticly calling to him like that. It wasn't like he had been passed out long, probably. The last thing he remembered was hitting rock after being shot. At that recollection his body started to announce where all the bruises and stitches were, stitches probably courtesy of Cougar. _Mmm, Cougar_. Jensen took stock of his body, everything hurt but nothing was broken, the grey space had apparently done nothing to his actual body.. The fuss that his ears were starting to distinguish as Clay and Cougar's voices didn't make much sense, but then again he had no idea how long he had been out. He really wanted to say something witty, but his mouth wouldn't open. When he tried to open his eyes again things were a little clearer, not much though. _Wow, I was right. from what I can tell everyone looks like shit._

"Gracious a dios"

_Oh right, Cougar. If I'm blind now because of this god damn light will you see if they have computers with those little bumpy things on them, my mind does not appear to have the capacity to remember what they are called at the moment though, sorry. _Jensen tried to mind speak with Cougar to no avail.

A gun calloused hand brushed across his forehead bringing a tiny smile to the hacker. After a while Jensen flitted of into a restful sleep, Cougar watching him with hope in his eyes.

* * *

><p>"So, how many sheep does it take to make a sweater?"<p>

"Ughh... Jensen, Shut up. Seriously man The Pooch can only take so much."

Jensen snickered evilly from the bed he was still confined to.

"2.5 Sheep Pooch, 2.5"

Pooch just shook his head, "I don't even wanna know man, don't wanna know."

Aisha watched with some amusement as Jensen, bed-ridden as he was continued to talk Pooch's ear off.

At a small break Jensen looked pointedly at her, "Oh Aisha darling, would you **please** find me some chocolate milk, I'm dying here."

Cougar growled from his position beside the hacker and wrapped his arm around Jensen.

"I know Cougs, I know. I'll try not to literally die for a while. But seriously, I need me some chocolate milk. To the point where I may have call Clay in here if none of you will do it, except Cougar, you can't leave."

Pooch suddenly had a thought and turned to Jensen looking mildly hopeful, "I'll get it Jensen. Don't worry about a thing... I'll over right now, the store is a ways away though. I might be gone for a while."

Jensen grinned as Pooch made his escape. As much as Pooch might have worried about the hacker, he really only could take so much.

* * *

><p>~FIN~<p>

Shaky translations from google:

Mi amor, vuelve a mí - My love, come back to me

Jake, donde tú eres mi amor? - Where are you my love?

Quiero ver tus ojos azules más hermosos - I want to see your blue eye's again

Si - Yes

Gracious a dios - Thank god

If you see mistakes point them out so I can fix them, please :)

Yay, I will now finish writing the last chapter of Man on a Mission...


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